three words that became hard to say

The early morning darkness washed itself over me as my body struggled to function this morning. My joints ached and my head felt foggy and my cat was purring beside me, and slowly I pulled myself out of the sanctuary of blankets and pillows I've created for myself only to be greeted by an even more exhausting day. sometimes I feel like I'm just going through the motions.

but today is New Years Eve, and tomorrow brings a new set of goals and opportunities and just more life. I feel more grateful every day that I am alive. I hope everyone feels the same.

if i ever feel better,
remind me to spend some good time with you...

apologies, for losing my cooling

in the midst of all the hub-ub and the whosiwhat of the holidays, I forgot how to clean. Tonight, however, I will make that apartment shine. and maybe even my room too. anything to distract me from all that work I have to do. responsibilities are stupid. stupid responsibilities. evil shenanigans.
I've had too much coffee this morning.

because of the fact that nobody has yet to lay eyes on this blog, I've felt comfortable speaking bluntly about my personal issues. I should probably stop, though, just in case. so, from here on out, I'll be purely business in the front, party in the back. what's that? you heard me.

right now, I'm imagining myself stress-free and just freezing my ass off in NYC spending way too much money. It's the only thing I can do to keep myself sane sometimes. I feel like lately I should have locked myself away in my apartment to finish work instead of see that boy, because I'm just so far behind in my projects that I'm sortof struggling to catch up to my deadlines. One of them is almost finished, just needs to be printed, and the other's finish line is so far away that I'm starting to worry if it will actually get done. not to mention all this new stuff I've been given at work. I'm getting a little overloaded. I feel stupid for taking on a second side job.

so anyway. that's that.

I
am an idiot.

what was I thinking, lying to him like that? so stupid. and he saw right through me. I just hope I didn't ruin things. I don't think I did, because we still had an amazing night and he still said I was beautiful and we still enjoyed each other.

god, I could kiss him all day and night.

I'll hold on hope

in the absense of my health I've been doing alot of thinking.

I spent a good deal of time yesterday, on my couch, in my bathrobe, crying. I was talking to a friend on facebook chat, because aparently this is the way friends communicate about important things these days, about how he was tired of life and he wanted to end his. He wouldn't let me help him. He wouldn't let me come see him, call him, or try to convince him that he had a choice. Then finally his story turned down a cruel road. He started telling me that he's always lied to me. That he doesn't need help. That he's just a cold individual who I shouldn't associate with.
what the fuck?
I felt a bit like a used dishrag. How could he put me through all of that? Also, if he wasn't lying and was just trying to get me to stop caring for him, why? why would he do that to himself?
I could not understand, or wouldn't, or shouldn't. I'm not sure. But the rest of the day felt like I was trapped in a dark hole trying to climb out, and an uncomfortable feeling of regret nestled in my heart, and stayed there.

honestly I don't know what I would do if someone else that I cared for ended their life. dealing with Adam's death was, and still is one of the most confusing and awful experiences of my life, next to Ira's murder.

all I can think is what am I supposed to do?

tell her nothing, if not this:

all I want to do is kiss her.

The atmosphere that's cluttering up my brain today is misty and thick. It's like I left the smart part of my brain at home. Maybe I just need more caffeine.

I'm beginning to doubt myself. Some times I feel so confident and triumphant. Other times, like now, I just feel small and in need of something strong and gentle to gather up my pieces. Every once in a while I just need a strong man to just hold me. I know that's not very "woman's lib" of me, but it's just so true.

I've spent about $300 so far on christmas presents for the people in my life. It's time for me to chill out on that. but I just need a few more things...

yum yum pickle chips

at work I've been chosen as the designer on duty for a new promotion in the store which focuses on all things "wedding." Not sure what I'm supposed to contribute to this project, except the usual blabbity-blab about weddings and love and elegance and celebration. I guess I'll see what my feminine instincts come up with.

I'm feeling much better and more confident at work today. Yesterday I reminded my boss about that promotion that we talked bout ages ago, and hopefully we will have a decision made by the 1st. it would be nice to go into the new year making a few more bucks an hour.

not feeling especially creative today. maybe I'll post something a little later, if I find the time.

eskimo kisses and freezing rain

last night? Last night was like running in the sand at the beach, at midnight. Last night was like the best chocolate ice cream in the world. Last night was like feeling completely confident, comfortable, beautiful, and happy. Last night was exactly what I needed. He cradled my wounded heart in his arms just right and it just felt warm and right. Just hearing him say the words "you're so beautiful" was enough to fill every hidden corner in my heart. To say I felt perfect would be an understatement. Instead, I felt perfectly flawed. it was all just so sexy. I could gush about this all day...but I won't.

a better place

This is a new place for my words, a blank sheet if you will. I have big plans for this new place. It will soon feel like home, in a time when words seem to have no place of rest for me. I hope this new home can contain them.