NO MORE DATING.
none.
until I can start meeting men who actually know what the fuck they want.
done done done.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Monday, May 2, 2011
all we ever do is say goodbye
In this moment I know that I love him -- am in love with him, rather -- and I can't help but feel filled with an immense feeling of dread. I know what this means. My feelings for him will never stop growing, unless I break it off and stop waiting around for something more to happen. This means that no matter how much it hurts me, no matter how sad it makes me to think of never seeing him again, I have to end it.
This "relationship" that I've let myself build with him is just a big joke, a sad pathetic dream that I let myself believe in because at first he called me beautiful and he was all the man I could have ever needed. It was nice to spend time with someone so unexpected, and I have to admit I never thought it would progress into more than just a few dates. But I couldn't help myself, I just had to let myself get attached, I had to let myself be vulnerable. He asked me to open up to him. Why would he do that? How could he do that to me, knowing that he wasn't going to give it to me in return? I feel like the biggest idiot.
The worst part is that the more I let myself feel, the more insecure I became about how he felt, which of course made me act crazy. I feel crazy most of the time because I am constantly trying to convince myself that no, he isn't just using me for sex and no, I'm not just a way for him to feel less lonely while he finds something better. I am constantly trying to make myself believe that he really likes me and really wants to make it work.
Of course, whether this is true or not, the situation isn't going to change. He says he's "not ready for a commitment," whatever that means, and all I want from him is some sort of proof that I'm making these worries up in my head. I'm always given more reason to doubt myself, though. He won't call me or give me any indication that he misses me at all. He makes vague statements that make me question whether he has me factored in at any point in his life. I know I'm an idiot for expecting more. The problem is that when I feel these things it's hard for me to hold back, and I would give him everything that I am capable of giving, and he wouldn't even have to ask. The problem is that I'm hopeless.
I wish he could read this, I wish I could finally explain to him why I act the way I do sometimes. I'm sure he thinks I'm crazy, but there's a reason for all of this. There is a reason I feel I have to put in all of my efforts to get someone to like me. There's a reason I don't feel worth his affection, and why I doubt his telling me that I am. There is a reason I can't make myself lose weight. I am still, after years of slowly putting myself back together, a broken girl. I know that sometimes I can be hard to understand, that I'm a little rash sometimes and say things without thinking. I know all of these things, but they are all only there because I deeply want to express to him how I feel, but can't. And I can't go on hiding how I feel just because I'm afraid of scaring him off.
It makes me so sad that he will no longer be in my life. I'll really miss him. I hope he knows that. I hope he cares.
This "relationship" that I've let myself build with him is just a big joke, a sad pathetic dream that I let myself believe in because at first he called me beautiful and he was all the man I could have ever needed. It was nice to spend time with someone so unexpected, and I have to admit I never thought it would progress into more than just a few dates. But I couldn't help myself, I just had to let myself get attached, I had to let myself be vulnerable. He asked me to open up to him. Why would he do that? How could he do that to me, knowing that he wasn't going to give it to me in return? I feel like the biggest idiot.
The worst part is that the more I let myself feel, the more insecure I became about how he felt, which of course made me act crazy. I feel crazy most of the time because I am constantly trying to convince myself that no, he isn't just using me for sex and no, I'm not just a way for him to feel less lonely while he finds something better. I am constantly trying to make myself believe that he really likes me and really wants to make it work.
Of course, whether this is true or not, the situation isn't going to change. He says he's "not ready for a commitment," whatever that means, and all I want from him is some sort of proof that I'm making these worries up in my head. I'm always given more reason to doubt myself, though. He won't call me or give me any indication that he misses me at all. He makes vague statements that make me question whether he has me factored in at any point in his life. I know I'm an idiot for expecting more. The problem is that when I feel these things it's hard for me to hold back, and I would give him everything that I am capable of giving, and he wouldn't even have to ask. The problem is that I'm hopeless.
I wish he could read this, I wish I could finally explain to him why I act the way I do sometimes. I'm sure he thinks I'm crazy, but there's a reason for all of this. There is a reason I feel I have to put in all of my efforts to get someone to like me. There's a reason I don't feel worth his affection, and why I doubt his telling me that I am. There is a reason I can't make myself lose weight. I am still, after years of slowly putting myself back together, a broken girl. I know that sometimes I can be hard to understand, that I'm a little rash sometimes and say things without thinking. I know all of these things, but they are all only there because I deeply want to express to him how I feel, but can't. And I can't go on hiding how I feel just because I'm afraid of scaring him off.
It makes me so sad that he will no longer be in my life. I'll really miss him. I hope he knows that. I hope he cares.
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