proximity

I take it all back. He is so amazing. Right now, there's nothing that could compare to his touch, and those words "you're beautiful" spoken to me with his voice. I find myself wanting him more and more. I wish he was closer to me always.

you left your thumb print inside me, now, for months it seems.

these days, words just aren't enough for me. I need action. I'm feeling disconnected in so many ways, like my wires have been cut and are fraying at the ends and I so badly want to reconnect myself to everyone around me.

I'm not sure why I feel so uneasy. like I'm never sure what the hell is going on. No matter how confident I am sometimes I just feel like...."what??" It's very confusing. it's this kind of interaction that makes me feel like I need to be the cold, distant, unwilling person I've been in the past. When I really think about what's going on in my head and what I want, I can easily walk away. I could easily say "I don't want this anymore." I could, just like that, float away from it all...but something is keeping me from doing that. Something about those moments when he is making me smile and feel so warm inside keeps me from walking away, and then a moment later I'm called to dig out my old armor.

and its the same story as always. this is how it goes. when I show signs of reservation, he always pleads with me, "relax. have I ever given you a reason not to trust me? just trust me." and I always blush and say "no, you're right. okay." and I let go for a moment because he is just so darn cute. but the truth is he gives me a MILLION un-list-able reasons not to trust him. He doesn't trust me. He doesn't let me in AT ALL so why should I let him in? why should I trust him in any way?

and every time I feel this way with him, he does or says something that brings me back again. maybe he won't, this time. who knows. maybe he's pulling away on purpose. maybe it's ME that's pulling away and he's noticing. I have no idea, but I wish it was okay for me to talk to him about this. I just hate not being communicative. it's the only way that I function as a healthy human being, talking about things like this.

sometimes I think I'm just a little bit crazy. sigh.

crumbling. teeth, a constant we take for granted

last night, I had two very vivid dreams. one of which I'm taking seriously, the other is just kindof hilarious.

(copied from something i wrote on paper this morning)
dream #1:
wearing weird headgear/braces, and I kept biting down which caused most of my teeth to fall out and for me to have to dig them out of my throat in order to not choke on them. this was so vivid that in my dream, I had a realization that I "wasn't dreaming" which very much freaked me out. I woke up at about 1:30 feeling extremely uneasy.

dream #2:
Ludacris and some chick were breaking into my apartment? they were polite about it, though, despite the gun he had pointed to my head. he had 3 crinkled paper bags that he was planning to fill with my stuff? I remember being upset that he kept eyeing my coffee maker. Prior to the break in, in my dream, I remember that my car had been broken into the day before and I kept thinking "just my luck."
dammit, Luda!

in rooms unfamiliar

I am a creating MACHINE.
my body feels alive and ready for everything to happen. I feel powerful and observant and agile. my golden future is coming at me so fast I can hardly see it when it makes new strides towards me. I am so fucking ready for this.

I can't help myself.

and there I was. kneeling over him on his couch, my hair pointing in a thousand directions, wearing his clothes which were far too big for me in all the best ways, and he looked straight into my eyes and said "I think you look amazing."
and I just melted into his arms like butter. I'm not sure what it is about him that makes me feel so at ease, but for some reason it just feels too easy to fall for him. I sometimes wonder if this is as good of a thing as it feels, especially when he is not around because my mind reminds me of my past and how much love hurts. But when he is around all I feel is the possibility to be happy again. this is scary but I'm going to enjoy it anyway, despite myself.