these days, words just aren't enough for me. I need action. I'm feeling disconnected in so many ways, like my wires have been cut and are fraying at the ends and I so badly want to reconnect myself to everyone around me.
I'm not sure why I feel so uneasy. like I'm never sure what the hell is going on. No matter how confident I am sometimes I just feel like...."what??" It's very confusing. it's this kind of interaction that makes me feel like I need to be the cold, distant, unwilling person I've been in the past. When I really think about what's going on in my head and what I want, I can easily walk away. I could easily say "I don't want this anymore." I could, just like that, float away from it all...but something is keeping me from doing that. Something about those moments when he is making me smile and feel so warm inside keeps me from walking away, and then a moment later I'm called to dig out my old armor.
and its the same story as always. this is how it goes. when I show signs of reservation, he always pleads with me, "relax. have I ever given you a reason not to trust me? just trust me." and I always blush and say "no, you're right. okay." and I let go for a moment because he is just so darn cute. but the truth is he gives me a MILLION un-list-able reasons not to trust him. He doesn't trust me. He doesn't let me in AT ALL so why should I let him in? why should I trust him in any way?
and every time I feel this way with him, he does or says something that brings me back again. maybe he won't, this time. who knows. maybe he's pulling away on purpose. maybe it's ME that's pulling away and he's noticing. I have no idea, but I wish it was okay for me to talk to him about this. I just hate not being communicative. it's the only way that I function as a healthy human being, talking about things like this.
sometimes I think I'm just a little bit crazy. sigh.
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