the saddest thing about love is that no matter how badly you will it away, it never really leaves. and all you feel is alone.
I'm feeling a little hopeless today, ready to give up. I'm frustrated that nothing seems to be going my way right now. Well, not nothing. But certainly not everything. not even close. it's hard to remind myself to just keep going and wait for the good things to present themselves to me. I usually do a good job of that. Lately I'm not doing so well.
Is it pathetic that all I want to do is have him hold me until I feel better? probably. my feelings for him are confusing me right now. On one hand, I don't want to be with him. He hurt me too much. On the other hand, sometimes all I want is for him to change his mind. Can you feel two totally different things at once? Monday night was amazing. It was exactly what I needed at the time but now I worry that I broke my own heart, all over again. And then afterward he held me and it just felt so damn good to pretend like everything was the way it used to be. But I know it isn't, and I know it never will be. I've let go of the idea of him still wanting to be with me whenever he figures out his own life. I know he won't want me. It was just nice to feel it again.
I'm so silly. Feeling so many things all the time. I wish I could flick a switch to turn off my stupid heart. I try. I mean, I do a pretty good job of it most times. And I can usually pretend that I don't care pretty well, like I tried to do with him. it's the actual not caring part that I have a hard time with.
whatever.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
on the brighter side
sometimes all you need is some good sex.
sorry if that's blunt, but it's true.
on top of everything lately I just feel tired. not physically (although today, I definitely am), but just tired of my life. I wake up at the same time, every day. I go through the same routine. I do the same work. I want so badly to take a leap of faith and try something new, but the fear of failure keeps stepping in my way.
what if I just moved to a new place? what if I moved to Boston with Whitney? what if I just leave and start completely over, change who I am and forget my past. What if?
sadly, I don't see that becoming a reality. I feel too stuck. The other day I gave a friend the advice that unless she took a chance and did something drastic, she may never know how happy she could be, and she could be missing out on something wonderful. How can I give this advice when I am too afraid to do it myself? I want to go back to school. I want to find a higher paying job. I want to show myself that I really can be the person I'm just dying to be inside. I want to prove it to all of my stupid insecurities that are constantly whispering in my ear. I want to tell all of my inhibitions to go fuck themselves.
and as for you? you were right, about how I put up an emotional wall for you. How could I not? there you were, looking just as good as always if not better, and if I had let myself just feel I would have fallen in love with you all over again. I can't do that to myself. I just can't. So I'd rather block those feelings and just feel the physical with you. That can be more satisfying to me, because atleast there is give and take involved. atleast I know we both want that. atleast I'm not giving everything and getting nothing from you. so yeah, you were right.
sorry if that's blunt, but it's true.
on top of everything lately I just feel tired. not physically (although today, I definitely am), but just tired of my life. I wake up at the same time, every day. I go through the same routine. I do the same work. I want so badly to take a leap of faith and try something new, but the fear of failure keeps stepping in my way.
what if I just moved to a new place? what if I moved to Boston with Whitney? what if I just leave and start completely over, change who I am and forget my past. What if?
sadly, I don't see that becoming a reality. I feel too stuck. The other day I gave a friend the advice that unless she took a chance and did something drastic, she may never know how happy she could be, and she could be missing out on something wonderful. How can I give this advice when I am too afraid to do it myself? I want to go back to school. I want to find a higher paying job. I want to show myself that I really can be the person I'm just dying to be inside. I want to prove it to all of my stupid insecurities that are constantly whispering in my ear. I want to tell all of my inhibitions to go fuck themselves.
and as for you? you were right, about how I put up an emotional wall for you. How could I not? there you were, looking just as good as always if not better, and if I had let myself just feel I would have fallen in love with you all over again. I can't do that to myself. I just can't. So I'd rather block those feelings and just feel the physical with you. That can be more satisfying to me, because atleast there is give and take involved. atleast I know we both want that. atleast I'm not giving everything and getting nothing from you. so yeah, you were right.
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