on the brighter side

sometimes all you need is some good sex.
sorry if that's blunt, but it's true.

on top of everything lately I just feel tired. not physically (although today, I definitely am), but just tired of my life. I wake up at the same time, every day. I go through the same routine. I do the same work. I want so badly to take a leap of faith and try something new, but the fear of failure keeps stepping in my way.
what if I just moved to a new place? what if I moved to Boston with Whitney? what if I just leave and start completely over, change who I am and forget my past. What if?

sadly, I don't see that becoming a reality. I feel too stuck. The other day I gave a friend the advice that unless she took a chance and did something drastic, she may never know how happy she could be, and she could be missing out on something wonderful. How can I give this advice when I am too afraid to do it myself? I want to go back to school. I want to find a higher paying job. I want to show myself that I really can be the person I'm just dying to be inside. I want to prove it to all of my stupid insecurities that are constantly whispering in my ear. I want to tell all of my inhibitions to go fuck themselves.

and as for you? you were right, about how I put up an emotional wall for you. How could I not? there you were, looking just as good as always if not better, and if I had let myself just feel I would have fallen in love with you all over again. I can't do that to myself. I just can't. So I'd rather block those feelings and just feel the physical with you. That can be more satisfying to me, because atleast there is give and take involved. atleast I know we both want that. atleast I'm not giving everything and getting nothing from you. so yeah, you were right.