eyelashes

the saddest thing about love is that no matter how badly you will it away, it never really leaves. and all you feel is alone.

I'm feeling a little hopeless today, ready to give up. I'm frustrated that nothing seems to be going my way right now. Well, not nothing. But certainly not everything. not even close. it's hard to remind myself to just keep going and wait for the good things to present themselves to me. I usually do a good job of that. Lately I'm not doing so well.

Is it pathetic that all I want to do is have him hold me until I feel better? probably. my feelings for him are confusing me right now. On one hand, I don't want to be with him. He hurt me too much. On the other hand, sometimes all I want is for him to change his mind. Can you feel two totally different things at once? Monday night was amazing. It was exactly what I needed at the time but now I worry that I broke my own heart, all over again. And then afterward he held me and it just felt so damn good to pretend like everything was the way it used to be. But I know it isn't, and I know it never will be. I've let go of the idea of him still wanting to be with me whenever he figures out his own life. I know he won't want me. It was just nice to feel it again.

I'm so silly. Feeling so many things all the time. I wish I could flick a switch to turn off my stupid heart. I try. I mean, I do a pretty good job of it most times. And I can usually pretend that I don't care pretty well, like I tried to do with him. it's the actual not caring part that I have a hard time with.

whatever.