and so I made my decision.
and it's over.
and I'm sad.
and I hope it all goes away very soon.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Monday, July 25, 2011
breakfast in the form of a regret-studded muffin.
I'm ashamed to say that I let my crazy out.
just a little.
And so now, while I feel sane and am slowly sipping my remorse, I'll make a promise to myself. I will not make any more contact. I will no longer show my weakness. I will no longer let this consume me.
so it goes.
time moves so slowly.
just a little.
And so now, while I feel sane and am slowly sipping my remorse, I'll make a promise to myself. I will not make any more contact. I will no longer show my weakness. I will no longer let this consume me.
so it goes.
time moves so slowly.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
"lovesick"
I never realized that this could be a real emotion until this very moment. Upon coming to the realization that I am in love, I just feel sad and alone.
It wasn't supposed to be like this.
I should feel happy and all filled with fluttery butterflies, but because he isn't here and I can't ever tell him and I don't think he will ever feel the same way, I am stuck with this deep sad and empty feeling.
sigh.
it's so hard to tell myself to stop something when it feels good, until it's too late and I wished I had run away at the very first hint at my feelings. it's so easy to see it in retrospect.
if I die young, I hope he never reads this.
It wasn't supposed to be like this.
I should feel happy and all filled with fluttery butterflies, but because he isn't here and I can't ever tell him and I don't think he will ever feel the same way, I am stuck with this deep sad and empty feeling.
sigh.
it's so hard to tell myself to stop something when it feels good, until it's too late and I wished I had run away at the very first hint at my feelings. it's so easy to see it in retrospect.
if I die young, I hope he never reads this.
Monday, July 4, 2011
spinning wheels
I don't want this to be my life. I want to feel excited to get out of bed and live my life. I don't want to wish I could hide away all the time. I want to be out there.
sometimes I feel like I'm just spinning wheels. over and over and over
and over again I just feel so stuck, going nowhere. my life has become somewhat of a still puddle, stagnant and thick with regret and wanting and an unmet need to feel full. If I take a step forward, I have to take a step back in another direction. my choices cancel each other out, and it seems impossible to escape from this hole I'm in.
you say I don't know what I want, well here's proof otherwise.
I want:
a family. someone who loves me, and I can trust. a job that makes me feel like I'm doing something with my life. friends who care, and who I care about. I want a full life. I want a life that makes others wish they had it, not because of money or because of material things, but because of how it would be filled with real feelings and love and growth. and I want you.
sometimes I feel like I'm just spinning wheels. over and over and over
and over again I just feel so stuck, going nowhere. my life has become somewhat of a still puddle, stagnant and thick with regret and wanting and an unmet need to feel full. If I take a step forward, I have to take a step back in another direction. my choices cancel each other out, and it seems impossible to escape from this hole I'm in.
you say I don't know what I want, well here's proof otherwise.
I want:
a family. someone who loves me, and I can trust. a job that makes me feel like I'm doing something with my life. friends who care, and who I care about. I want a full life. I want a life that makes others wish they had it, not because of money or because of material things, but because of how it would be filled with real feelings and love and growth. and I want you.
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