There came to me a moment of realization earlier today. There I was, sitting on the couch wearing my gym shorts and my fake ugg boots, definitely not caring in the slightest what I looked like, watching some sappy stupid movie that made me cry about three times ( I wasn't crying because I was sad about anything in particular, but my hormones are making me crazy right now, and I apologize for nothing ). As I was crying about some sorry love story, I suddenly began thinking about how much I wanted that sappy, happy, gooey love stuff, and it made me a little disappointed in myself. Is this desire for a real, loving relationship something that I should feel guilty for? Should I feel ashamed because I am not one of those girls who can toss men away like they're pieces of overly chewed-up gum? Or, alternatively, should I feel bad for being the cliché girl that wants love? I seem to be punished either way, and I still have not found a happy medium in which to settle myself, so what the hell sort of person should I be, anyway?
Every guy I've ever been seriously involved with has told me that I expect either way too much or that I am way too distant and heartless. I don't know how to be the girl that likes a guy but doesn't make the effort, and I don't know how to be the girl who doesn't like a guy but keeps him around anyway. SO, the question remains--who the hell am I supposed to be?
Instead of getting up off the couch and doing something productive, I decided to spend my day watching stupid movies. I rationalized this by saying I was doing some sort of work on a note pad, and persisted to avoid food at most costs, drink a ton of water, and try to feel good about my life aside from the lazy emotional activity I was engaged in. I watched all of these movies, one after the other, and couldn't figure out what the world wants from us ladies, and from myself. Then, I thought about my future and what I wanted: a family. a home. and suddenly I didn't feel so bad for wanting the things that I wanted in that moment. What is so wrong with wanting to fall in love, anyway? And why the hell do other people make it so hard for you to do it? Seriously, other girls get angry when you focus on it, acting like you don't have your priorities straight, and most guys just think you're insane. I don't feel bad for wanting a "relationship" with a guy to work out, and i don't feel bad for giving all of myself to try to make it work. I've done it countless times, and I will probably do it many more. This doesn't scare me.
What scares me, is that the world doesn't approve of this. Men only want the women that they can't have, and women only want the men who don't want them. A silly, counterproductive cycle that we all engage in. We all miss what is right in front of us, and we blame it on chemistry. Still, I know I am guilty of this, and can't see myself going after the "nice guy" who I really only want to be friends with just because he's nice. We can't help who we're attracted to, right?
Right?
Whatever the answer to that question is, I'll still keep putting myself out there for that guy who I know isn't available, but will use me when he feels like it, because I always hope that there is a chance that he will change his mind, and I'll keep missing the guy who I know "doesn't want a relationship" or just "isn't ready for one", the poor guy, because he is the last guy who seemed to really care about me, and I miss that.
I am concerned that this will never change.
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