The last few weeks have been eventful, to say the least. I know it has been a while since I have written, but to tell you the truth, the past few months have been crazy, too.
First of all: I lost my job.
Second of all: I started my own business (which at the moment is causing me much stress and pain)
Third of all: I am going back to school.
I did the dating thing again. Yeah, it was pretty weird, and yeah, there were many bad dates. The only conclusion I have come to is that there is no conclusion to come to at all--there will always be the desire to date and meet that guy who just makes you feel beautiful and amazing and like you have the most amazing brain and all of your body parts are just the way they should be. There will always be that nagging urge to do all of that, but then there is also always that very sad disappointment when something doesn't work out.
I met a guy only about a week and a half ago. Blah blah. it was awesome. Now it's not. Now I just want to smash dating in the face and tell it to just shut up and leave me the hell alone already. I mean, how the hell are you supposed to make relationships work, anyway? how the hell are you supposed to keep the feelings elevated? how are you supposed to function while seeing someone?
Mostly I just feel frustrated, I guess.
See, I do this thing. So many men have treated me badly in my life, that every time I find something that could be good, I get way too excited. I feel like, wow, this could be it! I should definitely act all crazy and into it and make sure he knows I'm into it and make sure he feels wanted. When really I should be all, oh, hey, cool. there's somebody who's nice to me and I am also attracted to. That's cool, and all, but really I should wait a while and check him out to make sure it's for real. But I don't do that, and so it turns out the way it does, and I am left sad and feeling inadequate and wondering what the hell went wrong---
but I know what went wrong. I went wrong.
I wrote in my real journal (like, the one with paper and a pen and a little bookmark so that I know where I left off) about how I always write about boys, and how I'm sick of it. I wrote about how I am really just super awesome and amazing and I should talk about that more. I also thought I should be more concerned with making money. These are all true things, but seriously. That's just not fun to write about.
Of course I think about more than just boys. I just....jeeze, I don't know, boys are so cute and fun and they make writing way more enjoyable.
So there.
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