something in my mind freezes up from time to time

The last few weeks have been eventful, to say the least. I know it has been a while since I have written, but to tell you the truth, the past few months have been crazy, too.
First of all: I lost my job.
Second of all: I started my own business (which at the moment is causing me much stress and pain)
Third of all: I am going back to school.

I did the dating thing again. Yeah, it was pretty weird, and yeah, there were many bad dates. The only conclusion I have come to is that there is no conclusion to come to at all--there will always be the desire to date and meet that guy who just makes you feel beautiful and amazing and like you have the most amazing brain and all of your body parts are just the way they should be. There will always be that nagging urge to do all of that, but then there is also always that very sad disappointment when something doesn't work out.

I met a guy only about a week and a half ago. Blah blah. it was awesome. Now it's not. Now I just want to smash dating in the face and tell it to just shut up and leave me the hell alone already. I mean, how the hell are you supposed to make relationships work, anyway? how the hell are you supposed to keep the feelings elevated? how are you supposed to function while seeing someone?
Mostly I just feel frustrated, I guess.

See, I do this thing. So many men have treated me badly in my life, that every time I find something that could be good, I get way too excited. I feel like, wow, this could be it! I should definitely act all crazy and into it and make sure he knows I'm into it and make sure he feels wanted. When really I should be all, oh, hey, cool. there's somebody who's nice to me and I am also attracted to. That's cool, and all, but really I should wait a while and check him out to make sure it's for real. But I don't do that, and so it turns out the way it does, and I am left sad and feeling inadequate and wondering what the hell went wrong---
but I know what went wrong. I went wrong.

I wrote in my real journal (like, the one with paper and a pen and a little bookmark so that I know where I left off) about how I always write about boys, and how I'm sick of it. I wrote about how I am really just super awesome and amazing and I should talk about that more. I also thought I should be more concerned with making money. These are all true things, but seriously. That's just not fun to write about.
Of course I think about more than just boys. I just....jeeze, I don't know, boys are so cute and fun and they make writing way more enjoyable.

So there.

the sob story

There came to me a moment of realization earlier today. There I was, sitting on the couch wearing my gym shorts and my fake ugg boots, definitely not caring in the slightest what I looked like, watching some sappy stupid movie that made me cry about three times ( I wasn't crying because I was sad about anything in particular, but my hormones are making me crazy right now, and I apologize for nothing ). As I was crying about some sorry love story, I suddenly began thinking about how much I wanted that sappy, happy, gooey love stuff, and it made me a little disappointed in myself. Is this desire for a real, loving relationship something that I should feel guilty for? Should I feel ashamed because I am not one of those girls who can toss men away like they're pieces of overly chewed-up gum? Or, alternatively, should I feel bad for being the cliché girl that wants love? I seem to be punished either way, and I still have not found a happy medium in which to settle myself, so what the hell sort of person should I be, anyway?

Every guy I've ever been seriously involved with has told me that I expect either way too much or that I am way too distant and heartless. I don't know how to be the girl that likes a guy but doesn't make the effort, and I don't know how to be the girl who doesn't like a guy but keeps him around anyway. SO, the question remains--who the hell am I supposed to be?

Instead of getting up off the couch and doing something productive, I decided to spend my day watching stupid movies. I rationalized this by saying I was doing some sort of work on a note pad, and persisted to avoid food at most costs, drink a ton of water, and try to feel good about my life aside from the lazy emotional activity I was engaged in. I watched all of these  movies, one after the other, and couldn't figure out what the world wants from us ladies, and from myself. Then, I thought about my future and what I wanted: a family. a home. and suddenly I didn't feel so bad for wanting the things that I wanted in that moment. What is so wrong with wanting to fall in love, anyway? And why the hell do other people make it so hard for you to do it? Seriously, other girls get angry when you focus on it, acting like you don't have your priorities straight, and most guys just think you're insane. I don't feel bad for wanting a "relationship" with a guy to work out, and i don't feel bad for giving all of myself to try to make it work. I've done it countless times, and I will probably do it many more. This doesn't scare me.


What scares me, is that the world doesn't approve of this. Men only want the women that they can't have, and women only want the men who don't want them. A silly, counterproductive cycle that we all engage in. We all miss what is right in front of us, and we blame it on chemistry. Still, I know I am guilty of this, and can't see myself going after the "nice guy" who I really only want to be friends with just because he's nice. We can't help who we're attracted to, right?

Right?


Whatever the answer to that question is, I'll still keep putting myself out there for that guy who I know isn't available, but will use me when he feels like it, because I always hope that there is a chance that he will change his mind, and I'll keep missing the guy who I know "doesn't want a relationship" or just "isn't ready for one", the poor guy, because he is the last guy who seemed to really care about me, and I miss that.


I am concerned that this will never change.

sad

and so I made my decision.
and it's over.
and I'm sad.
and I hope it all goes away very soon.

breakfast in the form of a regret-studded muffin.

I'm ashamed to say that I let my crazy out.
just a little.

And so now, while I feel sane and am slowly sipping my remorse, I'll make a promise to myself. I will not make any more contact. I will no longer show my weakness. I will no longer let this consume me.

so it goes.
time moves so slowly.

"lovesick"

I never realized that this could be a real emotion until this very moment. Upon coming to the realization that I am in love, I just feel sad and alone.

It wasn't supposed to be like this.
I should feel happy and all filled with fluttery butterflies, but because he isn't here and I can't ever tell him and I don't think he will ever feel the same way, I am stuck with this deep sad and empty feeling.
sigh.
it's so hard to tell myself to stop something when it feels good, until it's too late and I wished I had run away at the very first hint at my feelings. it's so easy to see it in retrospect.

if I die young, I hope he never reads this.

spinning wheels

I don't want this to be my life. I want to feel excited to get out of bed and live my life. I don't want to wish I could hide away all the time. I want to be out there.
sometimes I feel like I'm just spinning wheels. over and over and over
and over again I just feel so stuck, going nowhere. my life has become somewhat of a still puddle, stagnant and thick with regret and wanting and an unmet need to feel full. If I take a step forward, I have to take a step back in another direction. my choices cancel each other out, and it seems impossible to escape from this hole I'm in.
you say I don't know what I want, well here's proof otherwise.
I want:
a family. someone who loves me, and I can trust. a job that makes me feel like I'm doing something with my life. friends who care, and who I care about. I want a full life. I want a life that makes others wish they had it, not because of money or because of material things, but because of how it would be filled with real feelings and love and growth. and I want you.

eyelashes

the saddest thing about love is that no matter how badly you will it away, it never really leaves. and all you feel is alone.

I'm feeling a little hopeless today, ready to give up. I'm frustrated that nothing seems to be going my way right now. Well, not nothing. But certainly not everything. not even close. it's hard to remind myself to just keep going and wait for the good things to present themselves to me. I usually do a good job of that. Lately I'm not doing so well.

Is it pathetic that all I want to do is have him hold me until I feel better? probably. my feelings for him are confusing me right now. On one hand, I don't want to be with him. He hurt me too much. On the other hand, sometimes all I want is for him to change his mind. Can you feel two totally different things at once? Monday night was amazing. It was exactly what I needed at the time but now I worry that I broke my own heart, all over again. And then afterward he held me and it just felt so damn good to pretend like everything was the way it used to be. But I know it isn't, and I know it never will be. I've let go of the idea of him still wanting to be with me whenever he figures out his own life. I know he won't want me. It was just nice to feel it again.

I'm so silly. Feeling so many things all the time. I wish I could flick a switch to turn off my stupid heart. I try. I mean, I do a pretty good job of it most times. And I can usually pretend that I don't care pretty well, like I tried to do with him. it's the actual not caring part that I have a hard time with.

whatever.