the sob story

There came to me a moment of realization earlier today. There I was, sitting on the couch wearing my gym shorts and my fake ugg boots, definitely not caring in the slightest what I looked like, watching some sappy stupid movie that made me cry about three times ( I wasn't crying because I was sad about anything in particular, but my hormones are making me crazy right now, and I apologize for nothing ). As I was crying about some sorry love story, I suddenly began thinking about how much I wanted that sappy, happy, gooey love stuff, and it made me a little disappointed in myself. Is this desire for a real, loving relationship something that I should feel guilty for? Should I feel ashamed because I am not one of those girls who can toss men away like they're pieces of overly chewed-up gum? Or, alternatively, should I feel bad for being the cliché girl that wants love? I seem to be punished either way, and I still have not found a happy medium in which to settle myself, so what the hell sort of person should I be, anyway?

Every guy I've ever been seriously involved with has told me that I expect either way too much or that I am way too distant and heartless. I don't know how to be the girl that likes a guy but doesn't make the effort, and I don't know how to be the girl who doesn't like a guy but keeps him around anyway. SO, the question remains--who the hell am I supposed to be?

Instead of getting up off the couch and doing something productive, I decided to spend my day watching stupid movies. I rationalized this by saying I was doing some sort of work on a note pad, and persisted to avoid food at most costs, drink a ton of water, and try to feel good about my life aside from the lazy emotional activity I was engaged in. I watched all of these  movies, one after the other, and couldn't figure out what the world wants from us ladies, and from myself. Then, I thought about my future and what I wanted: a family. a home. and suddenly I didn't feel so bad for wanting the things that I wanted in that moment. What is so wrong with wanting to fall in love, anyway? And why the hell do other people make it so hard for you to do it? Seriously, other girls get angry when you focus on it, acting like you don't have your priorities straight, and most guys just think you're insane. I don't feel bad for wanting a "relationship" with a guy to work out, and i don't feel bad for giving all of myself to try to make it work. I've done it countless times, and I will probably do it many more. This doesn't scare me.


What scares me, is that the world doesn't approve of this. Men only want the women that they can't have, and women only want the men who don't want them. A silly, counterproductive cycle that we all engage in. We all miss what is right in front of us, and we blame it on chemistry. Still, I know I am guilty of this, and can't see myself going after the "nice guy" who I really only want to be friends with just because he's nice. We can't help who we're attracted to, right?

Right?


Whatever the answer to that question is, I'll still keep putting myself out there for that guy who I know isn't available, but will use me when he feels like it, because I always hope that there is a chance that he will change his mind, and I'll keep missing the guy who I know "doesn't want a relationship" or just "isn't ready for one", the poor guy, because he is the last guy who seemed to really care about me, and I miss that.


I am concerned that this will never change.

sad

and so I made my decision.
and it's over.
and I'm sad.
and I hope it all goes away very soon.

breakfast in the form of a regret-studded muffin.

I'm ashamed to say that I let my crazy out.
just a little.

And so now, while I feel sane and am slowly sipping my remorse, I'll make a promise to myself. I will not make any more contact. I will no longer show my weakness. I will no longer let this consume me.

so it goes.
time moves so slowly.

"lovesick"

I never realized that this could be a real emotion until this very moment. Upon coming to the realization that I am in love, I just feel sad and alone.

It wasn't supposed to be like this.
I should feel happy and all filled with fluttery butterflies, but because he isn't here and I can't ever tell him and I don't think he will ever feel the same way, I am stuck with this deep sad and empty feeling.
sigh.
it's so hard to tell myself to stop something when it feels good, until it's too late and I wished I had run away at the very first hint at my feelings. it's so easy to see it in retrospect.

if I die young, I hope he never reads this.

spinning wheels

I don't want this to be my life. I want to feel excited to get out of bed and live my life. I don't want to wish I could hide away all the time. I want to be out there.
sometimes I feel like I'm just spinning wheels. over and over and over
and over again I just feel so stuck, going nowhere. my life has become somewhat of a still puddle, stagnant and thick with regret and wanting and an unmet need to feel full. If I take a step forward, I have to take a step back in another direction. my choices cancel each other out, and it seems impossible to escape from this hole I'm in.
you say I don't know what I want, well here's proof otherwise.
I want:
a family. someone who loves me, and I can trust. a job that makes me feel like I'm doing something with my life. friends who care, and who I care about. I want a full life. I want a life that makes others wish they had it, not because of money or because of material things, but because of how it would be filled with real feelings and love and growth. and I want you.

eyelashes

the saddest thing about love is that no matter how badly you will it away, it never really leaves. and all you feel is alone.

I'm feeling a little hopeless today, ready to give up. I'm frustrated that nothing seems to be going my way right now. Well, not nothing. But certainly not everything. not even close. it's hard to remind myself to just keep going and wait for the good things to present themselves to me. I usually do a good job of that. Lately I'm not doing so well.

Is it pathetic that all I want to do is have him hold me until I feel better? probably. my feelings for him are confusing me right now. On one hand, I don't want to be with him. He hurt me too much. On the other hand, sometimes all I want is for him to change his mind. Can you feel two totally different things at once? Monday night was amazing. It was exactly what I needed at the time but now I worry that I broke my own heart, all over again. And then afterward he held me and it just felt so damn good to pretend like everything was the way it used to be. But I know it isn't, and I know it never will be. I've let go of the idea of him still wanting to be with me whenever he figures out his own life. I know he won't want me. It was just nice to feel it again.

I'm so silly. Feeling so many things all the time. I wish I could flick a switch to turn off my stupid heart. I try. I mean, I do a pretty good job of it most times. And I can usually pretend that I don't care pretty well, like I tried to do with him. it's the actual not caring part that I have a hard time with.

whatever.

on the brighter side

sometimes all you need is some good sex.
sorry if that's blunt, but it's true.

on top of everything lately I just feel tired. not physically (although today, I definitely am), but just tired of my life. I wake up at the same time, every day. I go through the same routine. I do the same work. I want so badly to take a leap of faith and try something new, but the fear of failure keeps stepping in my way.
what if I just moved to a new place? what if I moved to Boston with Whitney? what if I just leave and start completely over, change who I am and forget my past. What if?

sadly, I don't see that becoming a reality. I feel too stuck. The other day I gave a friend the advice that unless she took a chance and did something drastic, she may never know how happy she could be, and she could be missing out on something wonderful. How can I give this advice when I am too afraid to do it myself? I want to go back to school. I want to find a higher paying job. I want to show myself that I really can be the person I'm just dying to be inside. I want to prove it to all of my stupid insecurities that are constantly whispering in my ear. I want to tell all of my inhibitions to go fuck themselves.

and as for you? you were right, about how I put up an emotional wall for you. How could I not? there you were, looking just as good as always if not better, and if I had let myself just feel I would have fallen in love with you all over again. I can't do that to myself. I just can't. So I'd rather block those feelings and just feel the physical with you. That can be more satisfying to me, because atleast there is give and take involved. atleast I know we both want that. atleast I'm not giving everything and getting nothing from you. so yeah, you were right.

the sound of settling

NO MORE DATING.
none.
until I can start meeting men who actually know what the fuck they want.

done done done.

all we ever do is say goodbye

In this moment I know that I love him -- am in love with him, rather -- and I can't help but feel filled with an immense feeling of dread. I know what this means. My feelings for him will never stop growing, unless I break it off and stop waiting around for something more to happen. This means that no matter how much it hurts me, no matter how sad it makes me to think of never seeing him again, I have to end it.

This "relationship" that I've let myself build with him is just a big joke, a sad pathetic dream that I let myself believe in because at first he called me beautiful and he was all the man I could have ever needed. It was nice to spend time with someone so unexpected, and I have to admit I never thought it would progress into more than just a few dates. But I couldn't help myself, I just had to let myself get attached, I had to let myself be vulnerable. He asked me to open up to him. Why would he do that? How could he do that to me, knowing that he wasn't going to give it to me in return? I feel like the biggest idiot.

The worst part is that the more I let myself feel, the more insecure I became about how he felt, which of course made me act crazy. I feel crazy most of the time because I am constantly trying to convince myself that no, he isn't just using me for sex and no, I'm not just a way for him to feel less lonely while he finds something better. I am constantly trying to make myself believe that he really likes me and really wants to make it work.

Of course, whether this is true or not, the situation isn't going to change. He says he's "not ready for a commitment," whatever that means, and all I want from him is some sort of proof that I'm making these worries up in my head. I'm always given more reason to doubt myself, though. He won't call me or give me any indication that he misses me at all. He makes vague statements that make me question whether he has me factored in at any point in his life. I know I'm an idiot for expecting more. The problem is that when I feel these things it's hard for me to hold back, and I would give him everything that I am capable of giving, and he wouldn't even have to ask. The problem is that I'm hopeless.

I wish he could read this, I wish I could finally explain to him why I act the way I do sometimes. I'm sure he thinks I'm crazy, but there's a reason for all of this. There is a reason I feel I have to put in all of my efforts to get someone to like me. There's a reason I don't feel worth his affection, and why I doubt his telling me that I am. There is a reason I can't make myself lose weight. I am still, after years of slowly putting myself back together, a broken girl. I know that sometimes I can be hard to understand, that I'm a little rash sometimes and say things without thinking. I know all of these things, but they are all only there because I deeply want to express to him how I feel, but can't. And I can't go on hiding how I feel just because I'm afraid of scaring him off.

It makes me so sad that he will no longer be in my life. I'll really miss him. I hope he knows that. I hope he cares.

stones taught me to fly

I have made alot of decisions.
mostly they have to do with food, or my body, and who I think I am on the inside. These are the usual things that people decide. Telling myself that I'm beautiful and smart and worth everything that offers itself to me is just as hard for myself as it is for any other searching soul. I am not special, I do not deserve more than anyone else. I am in no way entitled to find this so-called "happiness."
and yet, here I am, searching; grabbing hold of anything that feels solid enough to hold my weight, when I feel so heavy in this world of what seems to be made of only clouds, and I am falling, falling, falling...

The hardest thing is attempting to accept the way everything is, right now, in this moment. Wanting something more is buried deep inside of us. It is what makes us great; wondrous and tremendous, staring into the horizon and ready to face the new stories. That hunger, that seed that is so deep-down in us and growing thick, strong and immovable roots into our legs and feet and arms and fingertips, that is what gives us life. It is also what causes so much pain, because we grow disappointed in the results of our flailing attempts at a perfect life, the perfect story. And so from these roots also grows a hard exterior, a facade which sometimes seems impervious to invasion. We grow so confident in these outer shells that we've built for ourselves, our great walls, that we forget that all it takes is the smallest thing to cause their destruction.

we are all just trees. we are all just very old trees, trying to stay alive in an ever-changing climate of love and hate and greed and anger and joy and kindness.


I am only an oak tree, a sapling, maybe. I might be small, I might not look like much now, but I am strong. I might not look like much now, but soon I will.

insecurity

In my dream, he is my teacher, and I have one of those crushes that make you fee stupid because he is so off limits. why would he ever like me?

In my dream, it starts off fine, like normal, we are cuddling together and I am happy, but then it turns out that he is also seeing one of my friends who I think is the sweetest person on the planet, and of course they are more serious than we are. And I have to just sit there and watch them cuddle and kiss and be in love because it's expected of me, because why the hell would I think that he would like me better than her?

In my dream, I am at his house, and girls from his past keep visiting him. He has more in common with these girls and they are much prettier than me. He starts showing them around and I just know that he has decided that he likes them all better, that he is going to let them into his life, while I fumble to get my clothes and get the hell out of there and he just ignores me, or acts like I have no reason to be upset because I should have known.


What is wrong with me? why can't I just have confidence in our connection, without the label? I guess I just want proof that he would choose me. I want proof that he really isn't just using me for sex in the mean time. No matter how much he tells me he likes me, I still always feel like he would push me aside for a better girl, without even considering. And then I feel bad, because I know he's a better guy than that. I just want proof, that's all.

I just want some fucking proof.

an unrequited tale

These questioning hands
build sentence structures with
the fragmented pieces of my heart
languid in their hopeless journey along
the curve of your shoulder.
Their inflection shows vulnerability,
the "hows" and "whys" and
what does it reduce itself down to?
the smallest numbers
infinite - minute.
the building blocks of time.
the tiniest steps, the stairway leading nowhere,
feet hitting pavement, the crackling of bones
and an eagerness to crumble into myself in your arms.

these wandering fingertips
are writing stories.
telling tales, recording information in the dark.
just useful data
stored in the crevices of my fingerprints,
lined up neatly in the maze of skin cells and follicles.
dying to be built into words and
the countless dimly-lit images.
This laughing and vaporized sighing.

and then the moment's passed,
dissolved into twilight.

solidarity

amazing.
how fast the words will slip away from me, how easily they get lost in the maze of my thoughts and concerns. I find my body next to yours, so close yet never close enough. the relative distance between you and me varies in a million different ways, and so understanding these moments becomes difficult for me. accepting the moment we are in becomes sand in the palm of my hand, slipping through the cracks.

somehow I missed the stop to solidarity. my feet are stumbling, I can't hold this balance for much longer. I need something stable to hold on to, and I really just wish it could be you. I want, more than anything, for it to be you.

proximity

I take it all back. He is so amazing. Right now, there's nothing that could compare to his touch, and those words "you're beautiful" spoken to me with his voice. I find myself wanting him more and more. I wish he was closer to me always.

you left your thumb print inside me, now, for months it seems.

these days, words just aren't enough for me. I need action. I'm feeling disconnected in so many ways, like my wires have been cut and are fraying at the ends and I so badly want to reconnect myself to everyone around me.

I'm not sure why I feel so uneasy. like I'm never sure what the hell is going on. No matter how confident I am sometimes I just feel like...."what??" It's very confusing. it's this kind of interaction that makes me feel like I need to be the cold, distant, unwilling person I've been in the past. When I really think about what's going on in my head and what I want, I can easily walk away. I could easily say "I don't want this anymore." I could, just like that, float away from it all...but something is keeping me from doing that. Something about those moments when he is making me smile and feel so warm inside keeps me from walking away, and then a moment later I'm called to dig out my old armor.

and its the same story as always. this is how it goes. when I show signs of reservation, he always pleads with me, "relax. have I ever given you a reason not to trust me? just trust me." and I always blush and say "no, you're right. okay." and I let go for a moment because he is just so darn cute. but the truth is he gives me a MILLION un-list-able reasons not to trust him. He doesn't trust me. He doesn't let me in AT ALL so why should I let him in? why should I trust him in any way?

and every time I feel this way with him, he does or says something that brings me back again. maybe he won't, this time. who knows. maybe he's pulling away on purpose. maybe it's ME that's pulling away and he's noticing. I have no idea, but I wish it was okay for me to talk to him about this. I just hate not being communicative. it's the only way that I function as a healthy human being, talking about things like this.

sometimes I think I'm just a little bit crazy. sigh.

crumbling. teeth, a constant we take for granted

last night, I had two very vivid dreams. one of which I'm taking seriously, the other is just kindof hilarious.

(copied from something i wrote on paper this morning)
dream #1:
wearing weird headgear/braces, and I kept biting down which caused most of my teeth to fall out and for me to have to dig them out of my throat in order to not choke on them. this was so vivid that in my dream, I had a realization that I "wasn't dreaming" which very much freaked me out. I woke up at about 1:30 feeling extremely uneasy.

dream #2:
Ludacris and some chick were breaking into my apartment? they were polite about it, though, despite the gun he had pointed to my head. he had 3 crinkled paper bags that he was planning to fill with my stuff? I remember being upset that he kept eyeing my coffee maker. Prior to the break in, in my dream, I remember that my car had been broken into the day before and I kept thinking "just my luck."
dammit, Luda!

in rooms unfamiliar

I am a creating MACHINE.
my body feels alive and ready for everything to happen. I feel powerful and observant and agile. my golden future is coming at me so fast I can hardly see it when it makes new strides towards me. I am so fucking ready for this.

I can't help myself.

and there I was. kneeling over him on his couch, my hair pointing in a thousand directions, wearing his clothes which were far too big for me in all the best ways, and he looked straight into my eyes and said "I think you look amazing."
and I just melted into his arms like butter. I'm not sure what it is about him that makes me feel so at ease, but for some reason it just feels too easy to fall for him. I sometimes wonder if this is as good of a thing as it feels, especially when he is not around because my mind reminds me of my past and how much love hurts. But when he is around all I feel is the possibility to be happy again. this is scary but I'm going to enjoy it anyway, despite myself.